Here’s a poem that I’ve heard my dad repeat many times, and it was apparently a favorite of my grandfather’s. 

“Twas an evening in November, 

As I very well remember,

I was strolling down the street in drunken pride.

But my knees went all a-flutter,

So I rested in a gutter,

And a pig came ‘round and laid down by my side.

As I lay there in the gutter,

Thinking thoughts I could not utter,

A fair young maiden passing by did softly say:

‘You can tell a man that boozes,

By the company he chooses.’

And with that the pig got up and walked away.” 

I thought that was a fitting little piece to help lighten things up a bit, and not just because I’m drinking every night these days. 

I’ve also been trying to keep track of some of the dos and don’ts of self isolation and social distancing. Here are a few that I’ve noted. 

DON’T worry about your appearance. Whether you are at work, or at home, nobody really cares what you look like, or really what you smell like. They shouldn’t be getting close enough to get your scent anyway. 

DO take frequent showers. Even if you decide to put dirty clothes back on (see rule #1), this time is an opportunity to treat yourself to some very primal physical pleasures… Like touching your face, picking your nose, farmer blowing, rubbing your eyes, biting your fingernails, etc. etc. are all available to you during a shower, assuming you start by washing your hands. Enjoy the common practices that have become taboo these days! 

DON’T spray bleach and water on produce that comes in bags with drain holes. 

DO let your daughter add essential oil to her homemade hand sanitizer to allow for a scent better than kerosene. 

DO offer to do your parent’s laundry if their dryer is currently broken down. 

DON’T focus on the fact that the majority of items are underwear and pajamas. 

DON’T leave your cooler at the end of the driveway overnight for the bus driver to drop lunches off in the next morning. 

DO return my cooler to the end of the driveway if you are the one that decided to steal it. Thanks 

DO allow your kids a little leniency during this time, and accept the fact that there are going to be some times when they need to be allowed to lock themselves in their bedroom. 

DON’T agree to sleep with them in their fort in the basement as bribery to get something done. Forts aren’t made for adult bodies, especially their backs. 

DO make your kids get you a beer from the garage fridge when you ask. 

DON’T be a jerk and refuse to get them a pop or juice from the fridge when they ask. Honestly, they should be making several more trips every night than you anyway. 

DON’T binge watch an entire series at a time. 

DO binge watch several series, alternating between them to make them all last longer. This will also help you avoid becoming a stupider human from watching 10 straight hours of Tiger King. 

DO go outside as much as possible on the nice days. 

DON’T go outside when your neighbor (and father) decides to burn wet leaves that he didn’t clean up last fall while the wind is blowing into your yard. 

DO help your kids with their online schoolwork. 

DO sit behind them so they DON’T know that you are googling all the questions that they are asking you for help with. I totally forgot what a rhombus was. 

DON’T let your 9-year old son have PE for his first period at home school. You will lose all your leverage for the rest of the day. 

DO have fun with your family and enjoy the opportunity to spend more time with them. Consider the blessings that are still abundant for most of us. 

DON’T get into an argument with your buddy because he used your chapstick, and end up going through the plate glass window of a Subway store in broad daylight. 

But that’s a story for another day. 

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